Strategies for Reaching Out

"The solution has to honor everybody involved and it has to work." --Joyce Winn



During the final sessions of the winter teleclass series, "How to Repair Damaged Relationships and Feel Whole Again," we talked about the best ways to proceed when you're ready to reach out to a person you've been estranged from. I brought the group my ideas and folks on the call honed them and added some new suggestions.The topic generated a lot of lively discussion and some great sharing. Here are the twelve basic guidelines we came up with:

1. Go slow. Make it gradual. You're peeking through the door at first. You're taking one step, not twenty.

2. Sincerely express your desire to be connected, but show that you are open to how things might evolve. You are not the director of this show. Don't try to control the interaction.

3. Don't take up all the space with your hopes, your needs, your apologies, or your feelings. Open the door and then give the other person a chance. Don't say too much or ask for too much at first.

4. Ask the other person what they need. If you can ask this question sincerely, with the intention of giving the other person what he or she needs (if at all possible), it demonstrates your sincerity and signals your willingness to listen.

5. Listen with your whole being. Go into the interaction with an intention of deeply listening to the other person, even if what they have to say is painful to you. Listen without planning about what you're going to say next. If you find your mind wandering, rein it back in. Listen to the other person's words, intonations, and body language. Hear what isn't spoken as well as what is.

6. Think before you speak. There's a tendency to say too much when we feel anxious and uncertain. Be conscious of what you say. It's okay for there to be silence. Words are not the only way to communicate your intention.

7. Avoid hot buttons. Although there are times when talking about what happened in the past is essential,it can be more effective to begin a reconciliation by creating a safe, non-threatening place of connection before tackling difficult subjects that are likely to bring up strong emotions, conflict, and old resentments. Many people find it beneficial to wait until there is trust and safety re-established before they talk about the "hard stuff." My mother and I waited until 7 years into our reconciliation to talk about the issues that drove us apart. Some people choose never to speak about them.

8. Take responsibility for mistakes you made or things you wish you'd handled differently. A sincere, credible apology, with no strings attached, can be a powerful way to establish credibility and disarm the other person's defenses.

9. Be in the moment. Reconciliation isn't about the past. And it's not about projecting into the future. It's about breathing and staying present with what's happening now. Pay attention to your feelings and body sensations so you can know how you feel about how things are going. Focus on what you can do to be connected now.

10. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't worry about getting everything you want or need right away. You may have to do more than your share of the work at first or make some compromises to get things going.

11. Expect the process to have ups and downs. Reconciliation rarely happens in one smooth upward spiral. There are breakthroughs, setbacks, moments of grace, times of sheet grit and determination. There is no finish line. Sometimes a fledgling reconciliation deepens and you move to a new level of trust and intimacy; other times there are setbacks and the relationship drifts back toward estrangement.

12. Create a new future together. When all you share with the other person is a painful past, there's not much of an incentive to see each other. Find creative ways to establish new ways to connect.

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"Laura Davis is the author of I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation (HarperCollins, April 2002). You can get a free "Am I Ready for Reconciliation?" Workbook or find out about her teleclasses at http://www.LauraDavis.net

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