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Below is an exerpt from an article written by
Dr. Roger
Gould
We don’t have to do things just as they’ve always been
done. If we are to grow and mature we must allow for change in
ourselves and the people we love.
I’d like to illustrate some of the situations that create
tension in families. Perhaps you can identify yourself or your
family in the descriptions below. This may help you to avoid your
own negative reactions or at least to take comfort in the fact that
these phenomena are common occurrences.
- The Pecking Order. In every family there is a pecking
order in which someone is perceived to be more important or to
deserve more respect, time or consideration than others. If the
pecking order can be suspended for the duration of the holidays,
this tension will be eliminated. Or if the pecking order is
rigidly adhered to by all involved, that silent accommodation will
also eliminate tension from this source. But if there is one
assertive independent soul who doesn’t comply, the whole house of
cards can come tumbling down. In the old-fashioned families it was
usually the father who was at the head of the pecking order, but
nowadays it can be anybody who either has more money, or more
charm, or more outside prestige, or a bigger life, or more
potential, etc. Although most families agree that common humanity
at holiday time should be enough and mutual respect should reign,
if the pecking order is important to at least one person in the
group, that person’s discomfort or anger can be a toxic ingredient
and an incendiary event may ensue.
- Envy and Jealousy. In every group there is going to be
some differential: Some are better educated or more verbal or
stronger or more handsome, or slimmer, or more beautiful, or have
more accomplished children or a better marriage or better health
or are younger or have more opportunities, etc. Feelings of envy
and jealousy are real and can’t be completely eliminated. The
question is, will they be handled maturely or become the source of
meaningless arguments or snide remarks? If these immature
responses occur, how will the family handle it? Will the members
take sides or will they know how to ride it out and let it resolve
itself naturally?
- Shifting Alliances. In every family there are shifting
alliances as people grow older and free themselves from roles that
they played in the family at an earlier date. For example, an
older sibling may find her two younger sisters have seemed to have
banded together against her, whereas they used to look up to her.
She may be shocked to find out that she is thought of as
domineering, while she thought of herself as nurturing and caring.
It is normal for people’s roles within a family to change over
time. In fact, it is healthy and sometimes necessary for these
alliances to shift. But it can be difficult for certain members of
the family to deal with. At each family gathering there are
implicit questions. Who is the favorite this year? What is my role
now? Will I finally get the acknowledgment I’ve been hoping for?
- Insufferable Narcissism. There is narcissism, and
there is Narcissism. You may not use that particular word very
often, but you will know narcissism when you feel it. The
narcissist is someone who is on display, always moves to the
center, refers every conversation back to himself or herself,
puffs himself up endlessly, diminishing everybody else. Oftentimes
you don’t quite know what’s happening until you find yourself
feeling annoyed by being interrupted, or suddenly feeling inferior
or unimportant for reasons you can’t quite explain. That will lead
you to go either into combat mode or slink away. To the narcissist
you are unimportant because he or she is the only one worth
listening to.
- The Transfer of Power. As our parents get older, the
leadership in the family often moves to adult children. When the
transfer goes smoothly, people in the family may be aware of it
but there is not necessarily any tension. But when either the
parents or the adult children have trouble with that transition,
tension can occur. Adult children may be too eager to take
control, causing the parent to fight against prematurely being
infantilized. The parent may not fight against the transfer of
power but may feel a certain degree of sadness about it. Or
sometimes, the parent needs the children to take on more
responsibility but does not know how to ask for it.
- Vulnerable Self-Esteem. Some people feel insecure and
vulnerable when they are in a family setting. They may easily
misinterpret innocent remarks, have a need to defend themselves
and more than likely be the center of a drama that will probably
include both anger and tears. Family members with self-esteem
issues need extra care but do not know how to ask for it. They are
hoping that their relatives will treat them in a way that makes
them feel worthy. But, unfortunately, self-worth cannot be created
by the actions of another; it must be cultivated from within.
- Estrangement of a Family Member. When one family
member is estranged, the family feels as if it has failed as a
unit. The nuclear family is supposed to be one. The earliest bonds
of young children to young parents come in the sense of safety
that everyone is together under one roof and everybody is in the
same boat, all for one and one for all. If a family member has
been expelled for bad behavior or voluntarily decides to be an
outsider, the family is no longer one. That fact can’t be
disguised by the mask of celebration and tradition, and there will
inevitably be a feeling that something is missing. It’s hard to
accept the reality that families can’t keep all their members all
the time. Although estrangement is difficult for all, the one who
is on the outside may have to stay in that position for some time
as his or her way of finding a pathway through life. In a few
cases it is a sign of poor mental health, but in most cases it is
the evolution of a person’s life that is taking place and not a
failure of the family group.
Families must change and evolve. When they do, their
members are forced to adapt to these changes. For some, adapting is
a difficult process. We can’t always change the people in our
families. We can hope to make some shifts through a combination of
communication, boundary setting and acceptance. However, we can
always alter our own perspective.
Perhaps if we change
the way we look at our families, they may actually change the way
they look. If we can do this, this holiday season may just offer
something different than the usual stress to which we are
accustomed.
Roger Gould, Contributor
Dr. Roger Gould began his academic psychiatric career
as the head of the U.C.L.A. outpatient and community psychiatry
department. He has written papers and textbook chapters as well as
the book “Transformations, Growth and Change in Adult Life” based
on research conducted with colleagues on the predictable sequence
of changing patterns and preoccupations during the adult years.
Gould specializes in stress management and is the creator of
eTherapy and Mastering Stress.
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