(The holidays can intensify our feelings associated with estrangement from our adult children.  It can be a time of year that challenges our emotions to the limits and reminds us even more of the void in our lives.  Below are some articles that address this time of year and how we can cope, especially when we are dealing with estrangement). 

Stress, Depression and the Holidays: 12 tips for coping:

Stress and depression can ruin your holidays and hurt your health. Being realistic, planning ahead and seeking support can help ward off stress and depression.

For some people, the holidays bring unwelcome guests — stress and depression. And it's no wonder. In an effort to pull off a perfect Hallmark holiday, you might find yourself facing a dizzying array of demands — work, parties, shopping, baking, cleaning, caring for elderly parents or kids on school break, and scores of other chores. So much for peace and joy, right?

Actually, with some practical tips, you can minimize the stress and depression that often accompany the holidays. You may even end up enjoying the holidays more than you thought you would.

The trigger points of holiday stress and depression
Holiday stress and depression are often the result of three main trigger points. Understanding these trigger points can help you plan ahead on how to accommodate them.

The three main trigger points of holiday stress or depression:

Relationships. Relationships can cause turmoil, conflict or stress at any time. But tensions are often heightened during the holidays. Family misunderstandings and conflicts can intensify — especially if you're all thrust together for several days. Conflicts are bound to arise with so many different personalities, needs and interests. On the other hand, if you're facing the holidays without a loved one, you may find yourself especially lonely or sad.
Finances. Like your relationships, your financial situation can cause stress at any time of the year. But overspending during the holidays on gifts, travel, food and entertainment can increase stress as you try to make ends meet while ensuring that everyone on your gift list is happy. You may find yourself in a financial spiral that leaves you with depression symptoms such as hopelessness, sadness and helplessness.
Physical demands. The strain of shopping, attending social gatherings and preparing holiday meals can wipe you out. Feeling exhausted increases your stress, creating a vicious cycle. Exercise and sleep — good antidotes for stress and fatigue — may take a back seat to chores and errands. High demands, stress, lack of exercise, and overindulgence in food and drink — all are ingredients for holiday illness.
12 tips to prevent holiday stress and depression
When stress is at its peak, it's hard to stop and regroup. Try to prevent stress and depression in the first place, especially if you know the holidays have taken an emotional toll in previous years.

Tips you can try to head off holiday stress and depression:

Acknowledge your feelings. If a loved one has recently died or you aren't able to be with your loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness or grief. It's OK now and then to take time just to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.
Seek support. If you feel isolated or down, seek out family members and friends, or community, religious or social services. They can offer support and companionship. Consider volunteering at a community or religious function. Getting involved and helping others can lift your spirits and broaden your friendships. Also, enlist support for organizing holiday gatherings, as well as meal preparation and cleanup. You don't have to go it alone. Don't be a martyr.
Be realistic. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Hold on to those you can and want to. But accept that you may have to let go of others. For example, if your adult children and grandchildren can't all gather at your house as usual, find new ways to celebrate together from afar, such as sharing pictures, e-mails or videotapes.
Set differences aside. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all your expectations. Practice forgiveness. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. With stress and activity levels high, the holidays might not be conducive to making quality time for relationships. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, too.
Stick to a budget. Before you go shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend on gifts and other items. Then be sure to stick to your budget. If you don't, you could feel anxious and tense for months afterward as you struggle to pay the bills. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Donate to a charity in someone's name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange.
Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make one big food-shopping trip. That'll help prevent a last-minute scramble to buy forgotten ingredients — and you'll have time to make another pie, if the first one's a flop. Expect travel delays, especially if you're flying.
Learn to say no. Believe it or not, people will understand if you can't do certain projects or activities. If you say yes only to what you really want to do, you'll avoid feeling resentful, bitter and overwhelmed. If it's really not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.
Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't let the holidays become a dietary free-for-all. Some indulgence is OK, but overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt. Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don't go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks. Continue to get plenty of sleep and schedule time for physical activity.
Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Steal away to a quiet place, even if it's to the bathroom for a few moments of solitude. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Listen to soothing music. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.
Rethink resolutions. Resolutions can set you up for failure if they're unrealistic. Don't resolve to change your whole life to make up for past excess. Instead, try to return to basic, healthy lifestyle routines. Set smaller, more specific goals with a reasonable time frame. Choose only those resolutions that help you feel valuable and that provide more than only fleeting moments of happiness.
Forget about perfection. Holiday TV specials are filled with happy endings. But in real life, people don't usually resolve problems within an hour or two. Something always comes up. You may get stuck late at the office and miss your daughter's school play, your sister may dredge up an old argument, your partner may burn the cookies, and your mother may criticize how you're raising the kids. All in the same day. Accept imperfections in yourself and in others.
Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for several weeks, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. You may have depression.
Take back control of holiday stress and depression
Remember, one key to minimizing holiday stress and depression is knowing that the holidays can trigger stress and depression. Accept that things aren't always going to go as planned. Then take active steps to manage stress and depression during the holidays. You may actually enjoy the holidays this year more than you thought you could.

                
The above article was taken from the Mayo Clinic site at www.MayoClinic.com              

 © 1998-2007 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. All rights reserved                        
 
 
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How to Overcome the "Holiday Blues"
by Larry Alan Nadig, Ph.D.   http://www.drnadig.com
There are many factors that can cause the depressed, stressed, agitated, fatigued, down and out, dreaded bad feelings that many people experience over the holidays. In order to effectively resolve and overcome the holiday blues, you need to know what they are about for you.  There is no one universal solution, since what is depressing or stressful for one person may not be for someone else, and what works for one may not work for another.

Pay attention to your specific issues and situation. How and what you pay attention to is important.  The holiday blues are so obvious, people tend to either focus on how bad they are feeling, or put their focus on avoiding the bad feelings. Unfortunately, neither tactic will resolve the issues, and could easily make things worse. 

It is important to realize that the bad feelings are not the real problem. The bad feelings are a symptom of a problem. You are reacting to something that is not right and you haven’t fixed it or resolved it yet. It could be something that has happened or is happening in your world, or something within you, such as your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes, or a combination of external and internal factors. Look beyond the bad feelings, pay attention, and let yourself know what you are reacting to. The solution to many of the issues may be obvious once the issues or real problems are identified. Don't overlook possible underlying medical problems, biochemical imbalances, side effects from prescribed medications the side effects from alcohol and other drugs, or Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

Some common causes
The holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness, good cheer, joy, fellowship with loved ones and optimistic hopes for the coming new year. During the holiday season, we are bombarded and inundated with reminders of the holidays. The multitude of reminders can be a trigger for several unresolved issues such as:

 Past loses.
 Unresolved grief.
 Anticipating a significant loss.
 Contrast between then and now.
 Disappointment about now.
 Contrast between image of holiday joy and reality of ones life.
 Sense of increased isolation and loneliness.

The holiday season is also a busier and more stressful time. We have more things to do, more things to buy, there is more traffic, parking is more difficult, stores are crowded and we wait longer. The extra demands on our time, attention, energy and finances can be very stressful, and for some, the "holiday blues."

Problem solve it.
Don't make yourself helpless and don't accept the role of a victim. There is much you can do to make it better for yourself.

If your holiday blues are a manifestation of the stress from all the extra demands of the holidays, do some things to reduce the demands. Rethink how you view and approach the holidays. Also review your beliefs about what you have to do and the consequences of not doing what you believe you must do. Is it really necessary to buy all those people gifts? Is it really necessary to buy such expensive gifts? What is the purpose and meaning of your giving? Might there be an even more meaningful way of giving that is less demanding on you. Don't forget to keep the overall picture in mind. Making the effort to get a gift or do something nice for one person may be easy, but it gets more difficult and demanding on you as you increase the number of people you give to. Sometimes just deciding what to get or do for someone is difficult and time consuming. What could you do to make it less demanding? Don't just follow your tradition without talking to your family and friends about it. Families and relationships change over time, so make sure current efforts are appropriate for how your family and relationships are now. Brainstorm with your family about it, or ask your friends how they approach it. You might also be able come up with a better plan, such as giving yourself more time by starting your efforts several weeks earlier. 

If your holiday blues are stemming from past losses, take advantage of the holidays to help you complete your mourning and finish your grieving over the loss. You will likely need to feel the sadness and grief, and be intellectually clear with yourself as to what you lost and the magnitude of the loss. If you accept the loss and the feelings that go along with the loss, the intensity of the bad feelings will lessen. In order to complete mourning and finish grieving, one has to find other ways of getting his/her needs met that were met by the person that is gone. It might be difficult and it will require effort, but don't let yourself lose more than necessary. Once you complete your grieving you will be able to experience good feelings when you reminisce. You might have a twinge of sadness at times, but the agonizing pain will be gone.

There are many different kinds of losses that cause grief. There is a loss of loved one, loss of meaning and purpose, loss of health, loss of a body part, loss of important material things, loss of status, as well as past, present and anticipated future loss, to list a few. I can not outline the specifics of how to handle all the different types of loss and the holiday blues, but I can give you three principles that if applied properly will enable you to overcome the holiday blues. The three principles are in the first verse of the Serenity Prayer which reads, "God grant me the serenity to (1) accept the things I can not change, (2) the courage to change the things I can, and (3) the wisdom to know the difference. Learn how to apply these three principles and serenity will replace the holiday blues.

  
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Holidays Are Also Times For Mending Relationships

Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D

During Thanksgiving to Christmas the absence of loved ones becomes ever more poignant. When a loved ones dies, we can't do anything but learn to bear with the loss and adapt to the new circumstances. But what about broken relationships? Those can be mended.

By words that were said and things that were done, relationships are ruptured forever. People walk out the door on their loved ones vowing never to come back. Many shut the door on their loved ones and never open it again.

In the December 18, 2000 issue of Time magazine, Lise Funderberg relates stories of such ruptured families. To wit, Jonda has not seen her twin Wanda for the last 13 years and doesn't believe she ever will. Jonda misses her sister terribly as she says, "There isn't a day that goes by that something doesn't remind me of her." Wanda, after a family reunion, simply disappeared. What Jonda doesn't know and might never know is why.

To relate another story, Nancy has an older sister and an older brother. She doesn't speak to either of them. As a child she worshipped her brother. When he used to come home from college, she was filled with joy. She thought she had a good relationship with him. But, a few years ago, he stopped returning her calls. She doesn't know why.

No communication. Unanswered phone calls and letters. An impenetrable silence. How does one repair such a relationship? It must be terribly frustrating for those who want to reconcile. This pattern of foolproof silence is responsible for continued estrangement of millions of parents, children and siblings in America.

It is estimated that 3 to 10% of baby boomers have completely severed contact with a brother or sister. According to one survey, 11% of baby boomers felt that their siblings were hostile to them. Thousands of parents are estranged from their adult children. It leaves much to be desired and rectified.

Ann Landers once suggested that we should have a national "Reconciliation Day," a day to forgive and forget and let bygones be bygones. Great idea! After reading her article on reconciliation, a lady immediately picked up the phone and called a brother she had not spoken to for nine long years. Their relationship was ruptured over money. When she called, her brother told her that he had almost picked up the phone to call her but didn't. He was glad to hear her voice. They talked for a long time that day and were reunited after all those years.

Prospects of reconciliation don't please everyone. In this case, upon reading Ann Lander's article, a man, under the influence of alcohol, began to call everyone he had hurt in his life. He called a female relative in the middle of the night who had fought so hard to keep him out of her life. That call reopened painful wounds for the lady and brought back memories of the worst time of her life. It shows that reconciliation is not for everyone. There are situations when it is best to keep an offending relative out of your life.

Here are some of the causes often cited by siblings for estrangement: arguments over the care of elderly parents; conflicts over parental estate; parental divorce; past abuse or hurt over past actions and lack of bonding between siblings as they were growing up. When there is will and commitment, most conflicts can be resolved. Therapy and mediation can also be helpful. During Thanksgiving to Christmas the absence of loved ones becomes ever more poignant. When a loved ones dies, we can't do anything but learn to bear with the loss and adapt to the new circumstances. But what about broken relationships? Those can be mended.

By words that were said and things that were done, relationships are ruptured forever. People walk out the door on their loved ones vowing never to come back. Many shut the door on their loved ones and never open it again.

We live in times of high divorce rate. Families of choice often break within a few years leaving couples estranged and lonesome. Relocation is a fact of life. Contact with old friends continues to diminish. Neighbors are often near strangers. In such circumstances, blood relationships may be the major source of durable relationships. These relationships should be preserved, and if need be, revived.

Some change a lot as they grow up and their siblings can't relate to them any more. Some grow up to be disagreeable or unlikable. But in other cases, people tend to be overcritical and want their siblings to fit into the moulds of their preference.

A sibling may choose a partner that you may find objectionable. It may trouble you to see that your sibling is in a toxic relationship that would do nothing but harm him or her. Perhaps, an addiction is controlling your sibling's life. In the past, you might have spent a lot of time and effort in trying to rescue or bail out your sibling and now you are tired and don't want to do it any more.

It is alright to stop bailing your relative out. But to sever all connections because it hurts to witness him or her suffer is not alright. Let your relative know that you still care about him or her. To overlook the imperfections of others is close to perfection. Keep the door open. If the door remains open he or she may one day come back in.

Even though years might have past without any contact, it is never too late to pick up the phone and call your estranged relative. Be willing to take responsibility for your past actions. If it doesn't result in reconciliation, you are still at the same place before you made the call. Who knows that one day the person you are trying to reconnect may not feel the same stirrings to reconnect with you?

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The Holiday Season
(Dealing with the emotional highs and lows of the season).
Mary Van Everbroeck
VP, Elder-Service, Inc.

Rather than looking at Holidays as times one was happy in the past, we need to look at holidays as long-lasting, always present memories and experiences, as we do with every day of every year. The meaning we give to holidays is in our heads and hearts, and therefore we are in control of how we perceive and deal with the emotional highs and lows that are symbolically connected with them. If we are alone now in the present for whatever reason, and choose not to be alone, we can make plans to do things with people we enjoy being with, in spite of the fact that they are not necessarily our first choice to spend the holidays with. If on the other hand we enjoy spending time alone, then we should make plans to do something alone that we enjoy. Not planning meaningful activity, during times we know we will feel alone and depressed is self-defeating, and necessarily creates the stage for depression.

I am not suggesting that activity be planned just to fill time. It needs to be meaningful, or else whatever is planned will itself contribute to the wave of depression and lethargy that we ourselves invite. While seniors make it a point, often beyond what is asked for by family members, NOT to INTRUDE in the lives of their children and friends during the holidays, we need to be careful that we don't deprive and rob them of our presence, and of the significant contribution we make to the entire family. Regardless of the extent of either good or strained feelings among members of the entire family, our presence and participation adds history, meaning and life to any and all family gatherings. While autonomy and independence are a legitimate and desirable goal of all people, they are at the same time a hindrance in promoting interdependence, happiness and fulfillment for us and all members of our family.

Now for the tough part: mending and healing relationships that may seem as if they are on the brink of disarray, strained or troubled. The very first thing we have to realize is that whenever we speak or think in terms of "blame" we defeat ourselves. Relationships, in particular family relationships, are very complex, and because of this fact, it is important to think in terms of processes, circumstances and situations rather than blame. We, who have lived a little while, have come to learn that we, and of course everyone else in the world, do not know whether a decision that is made or activated today, will reap benefit or havoc until it has the opportunity to play itself out. If we knew the result of any decision or action in advance, there would be no need to strive for, risk, or hope for the many aspects of our life that we now do, and that, in fact, help to create pleasure and meaning for our life. There also would not be any opportunity for growth, happiness and fulfillment of ourselves or of all those with whom we are in relationship. If we truly understand this we will delete the word and meaning attached to "blame" from our vocabulary, and from our life. Instead of "Blame" we need first to look at ourselves, our intentions, actions, hopes, fears, and disappointments and then take all that we have experienced and learned throughout this process of self understanding to include the joy and the pain, and transfer our new-found understanding of our own processes to that of understanding members of our own family.

There is a reason for everything that we do. You may respond by saying, "Oh you mean that there is an excuse for everything". No, excuse denotes blame. Rather than excuse, we need to think in terms of understanding, and if understanding is not possible, then we need to come to terms with "it", whatever "it" may be, at least for the present, as something that we cannot make sense of. Each of us has problems and complaints with others, as others have with us. There is no getting away from the fact that whatever process of understanding or misunderstanding applies to the way we are towards others, in turn applies to the way in which all people think, react, and interact with others. That is why the key to understanding, interacting well with others, and the ability to enjoy the company and gifts of others is knowing and understanding ourselves, first, foremost and always. How is this accomplished? The most important way in which this occurs is learning to live for the moment, appreciating what we have, and what others have to share with us, now; at this time in their and our lives; rather than wasting time pondering, yearning for, or seething over what happened in the past. It is only by living in the present that we can truly be with and for others, and in turn allow others to be with and for us. It's both as simple and as difficult as this.

Living and experiencing ourselves, others and life in the present dictates that we come to terms with the hurts, and unfilled expectations that are caused by our family. As much as we hurt, are disappointed, and believe that we did not receive what was our "due", be it from family members or others, we need to realize that we, in turn, are perceived by family and others as the source of their pain, disappointment and unfulfilled expectations of us. It's quite a dilemma, isn't it? Not really, not if we remember what was discussed earlier in this article, that we need to think in terms of processes, situations, and circumstances rather than "blame", and that there is never any guarantee that a decision I make right now will be one that is beneficial or harmful. I won't know that until I see the unfolding of such a decision. Being kind, understanding, and patient to oneself is the surest way that we can extend those gifts to others. Acceptance of ourselves, as we are, as we understand and know ourselves to be at this particular moment in time, enables us to accept others in this fashion. For it is this process of accepting ourselves and others that enhances our ability to enjoy holidays, - no more, no less - than every other day of our life.

mary@elderservice.com
http://www.elderservice.com