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Fixing Your Family Feud
If you're in
the middle of a family feud — whether it involves money or not — ask
yourself: Is it worth losing a loved one over?
Choose to forgive. Holding onto a grudge will only eat you up
inside and cause huge family rifts. The only thing worse than not
speaking to a family member for three years is not speaking to them
for three years and one day.
Sometimes relationships need a hero. That means someone has to
step up and be the bigger person to close the gap. Someone has to
make the first move, the first compromise, to heal the relationship.
Swallow your pride and be that person. Think about what the future
holds if you do not mend this.
Think of how this feud is affecting the rest of the family. Are
their other family members or children caught in the middle? Think
of the unnecessary stress you may be putting on others. Dr. Phil
tells two feuding siblings to consider their 84-year-old mother.
"Let me tell you something. At 84 years old, she deserves the peace
of knowing that her family is unified and intact," he says.
No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has two sides.
Step into the other person's shoes and try to see their side of the
story. Try to understand the other person and why they acted in a
hurtful way. Try not to judge them. Conversely, examine your role in
the feud. Did you do or saying something hurtful? Did you promise
something and then back out of your agreement? Keep in mind the
other person probably has some valid points that you need to weigh
and consider.
Ask yourself, if your family member died suddenly, what would be
left unsaid? In a perfect world, if you could write the script of
your life, what would your relationship with that person be like?
Start creating that relationship now.
Reach out to your family member and ask them to talk to you.
Start with an apology for whatever part you may have played in the
feud. Take responsibility for your actions. Explain why this
relationship is important to you and affirm your love for the other
person.
Dig further into what may have caused this rift. If it's about
money, ask yourself if that is the real issue. Examine your feelings
about the person you're fighting with and get to the bottom of when
it all began.
Consider hiring a financial expert if you and a loved one are at
odds over finances. If you can't see eye to eye, perhaps a third
party can help come up with a plan that will lead to a
solution.
Create some boundaries where you can begin to heal the
relationship, but you're not allowed to bring up the source of the
feud. Take 90 days to focus on reconnecting, and rebuilding the
relationship. If you're siblings, just be siblings for 90 days and
keep the subject of the feud off the table. After 90 days, examine
the issue. You'll have found some middle ground and the value of the
relationship will be more important by then.
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