Several years ago, a television reporter interviewed a world- renowned philosopher. She asked, "What is the most difficult question in philosophy?" I thought it was a poor question. Surely she could have addressed something more specific. But he didn't hesitate to provide her with the question. He simply said, "How do you raise children?" Then he admitted that the entire subject baffled him as it played out in his home and as he saw it played out in the homes of others. He wasn't too far off the mark.

Most of us have made pretty serious mistakes. Sometimes we wound our children when we have absolutely no intention of doing so. Sometimes we know where we made mistakes and we kick ourselves for doing it. Today we are addressing the subject of relationships between parents and adult children. In most families both parents and children need to do some forgiving during this stage of life. As parents, we are moving closer to the end of our days. While the "hands on" part of parenting is in the past, the need for working on cultivating relationships with our children remains. Today's feature article addresses some of those needs.

Norman and Ann

"HOW DO WE LOWER THE LEVEL OF PARENT/CHILD CONFLICT?"

by Norman and Ann Bales

AFTER THE CHILDREN LEAVE HOME.
Several years ago Leadership published a cartoon depicting a large meeting hall. A banner above the stage read, "Convention for Children of Normal Parents." Only a few people gathered for the convention. We would hope that a larger segment of young adults are on good terms with their parents, but even in the best of relationships, conflict often continues throughout the mutual lifetimes of parents and children.

WHY THE CONFLICT DOESN'T GO AWAY.

Sometimes independence hasn't been established.

(Norman: "When I was about forty years old, I came to the realization that I had never really declared independence from my father. In many ways I was still trying to win his approval. At that point I didn't think his acceptance of me was unconditional and it was having a negative effect on my other relationships"). Sometimes this lack of independence is caused by a parent's refusal to relinquish control. At other times, it is caused by a child's unhealthy dependency on a parent or a combination of both.

Competition.
As children grow up, they may form a circle of friendships that have nothing in common with their parents. There may be a conflict of values, priorities and lifestyles. Spouses and children are added to the family circle. When the extended family grows larger, personalities inevitably become more diverse and the possibility of conflict escalates.

Triangulation
. "Triangulation is the failure to resolve conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides . . . the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other."

In his book Family is Still a Great Idea, H. Norman Wright, explored the problems in two dimensions. Here is a summation of his conclusions.

THOSE APPROACHES THAT DON'T WORK
The Frozen Smile
. Negative feelings are masked behind a smile.

The Reform School Approach
. We confront those people who irritate us with advice and demands for change.

Distraction
. We decide that we will not interact with those relatives we don't like.

The Sacrificial Lamb
. A person appears to be sacrificing for others, but always has a hidden agenda.

It Doesn't Hurt
. We deny that we feel hurt and rationalize it away.

THOSE APPROACHES THAT MAY HELP
Empathy
. Try to feel what the other person feels. Try to see things through that person's eyes. Look for the good in the person who irritates you (Romans 12:15).

Identify expectations.
We need to learn what we expect of other family members and what they expect of us. Many conflicts occur because we have different expectations and we never tell one another what they are.

Define the nature of the relationship
. Do you want a close intimate relationship or do you simply want a relationship where everyone is agreeable?

Emphasize positive times in your memory.
Self-examination
. Ask yourself honestly, "What am I doing that hinders the relationship?"

Become aware of your feelings
. What are you really feeling toward the person with whom you are estranged? Is it anger? Is it resentment? Is it jealousy? Is it hurt? Wright suggested "If you experience an unpleasant encounter that leaves you feeling angry, immediately write a letter to this person - a non-mailed letter!"

Forgive
. Our salvation depends on our willingness to forgive (Matthew 6:14-15).

Try new approaches.
Our relationship contacts often remain in the same, predictable, unsatisfactory patterns. Try something different.

Look forward to better relationships
.

Celebrate the change within you
. "The changes may not happen in the relationship you have trouble with, but that's all right. Changes in you will be sufficient."

CONCLUSION
The process of parenting is a most difficult matter, but it is one that needs to be taken seriously. James 3:1 was written to teachers, but the principle has application to parents, "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." The responsibility of parenthood is heavy and ongoing. This is not said to discourage us in our task, but to help us understand its importance. At stake is the future welfare of our children, our churches, our nation and our world.
Daniel Webster once said,

"If we work upon marble; it will perish; if we work upon brass, time will efface it; if we rear temples, they will crumble in the dust; but if we work upon immortal souls; if we imbue them with principles; with the just fear of the Creator and love of fellowman, we engrave on the tablets something which will brighten all eternity."